(no subject)

[broom_rider]

Captain Africa

A fantastic day.
My nature won't let me fall asleep now,
The firemen are going home, there's nothing for them to do here.
We're soldiers of love,
We're moving like the faeries' ghosts on the trolley rails,
We know Electricity in person - but is that a reason?
Do untie my hands.

I am calling for Captain Africa...


Many thousands words - all in vain,
Or the theft of fire from the blind old gods;
We can burn away like pure alcohol in outstretched hands;
I will take my own
Whenever I see my own:
A white rastaman, a translucent gypsy,
A silvery beast in the search of warmth;

I am calling for Captain Africa...
oh oh oh oh oh oh*

****************
Critic and corrections, please... grammar and all... or just how bad does it sound and why :)

*after a bit of correction by scowling_hermit and vamm_goda. Thank you so much! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Критикуйте и корректируйте, пожалуйста.
Если кто забыл оригинал, то вот он.

*после небольшой коррекции scowling_hermit и vamm_goda. Спасибо им большое! :)

Comments

[scowling-hermit.livejournal.com]

Did you write that? It's really neat. Reminds me of something, but I can't think of what...

Anyway, I think it's good. In my opinion there doesn't need to be a 'the' in front of Captain Africa; it can just be "calling for Captain Africa"

...and maybe less 'the's in the last verse too, unless that ruins the rhythm of it...

Many thousands words - all in vain,
Or the theft of the fire from the blind old gods;
We can burn away like the pure alcohol in the outstretched hands;
I will take my own
Whenever I'll see my own:
A white rastaman, a translucent gypsy,
A silvery beast in the search of warmth;

I hope that was helpful!

[broom--rider.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot, that was extremely helpful!:)

[jade-teacup.livejournal.com]

I'm not good at critique. I like the imagery a lot. I was hooked when I read the top of the post "a tin can high above the world"

A silvery beast in the search of warmth;

That makes me think of a spaceship.

[broom--rider.livejournal.com]

"A tin can high above the world" is my often location:) The phrase came from David Bowie's song "Space Oddity", that's how I often feel... but I'd never had associated "silvery beast in the search of warmth" with a spaceship. It's a cool association, probably author of the lyrics even meant it... and I overlooked it:)

[jade-teacup.livejournal.com]

I have often heard about "Space Oddity" but I never really listened to it.

[broom--rider.livejournal.com]

Oh, you should! I'll try to remember... That's my favorite Bowie's song.

[vamm-goda.livejournal.com]

I love this poem! It's very visual and ambiguous, and I really like that. I can read into it.
One little thing I noticed:
My nature won't me let to fall asleep now,
The firemen are going home, there's nothing to do for them here.
It might be better read as My nature won't let me fall asleep now,
The firemen are going home, there's nothing for them to do here.

But, it really depends on your taste.

[broom--rider.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'll add this correction too.
In case if you are wondering, this is my first experience in a song's lyric translation. It's a 1983 song of one of my favorite russian bands "Aquarium" - one of my favorite songs.